Herman by Jim Unger for January 19, 2018

“I need a doctor with some BRAAAAAINS…”

You don’t need to worry about that or anything else: you are dead.

You don’t need to worry about that or anything else: you are dead.

“Well, try unplugging it, wait thirty seconds, then plug it back in. That usually works.”

You’re dead, Jim.

There was a tine in my life when I was running 5 miles every day. That sort of activity lowers your resting heart rate a lot.

So I have elbow surgery and I am in the recovery room. My wife, a nurse at the hospital, is at my side as a professional courtesy.

I come to and look at the monitors and I control my breathing and try to relax. I manage to lower my heart rate to the point where the alarm goes off. As the crew rushes in, my wife says to them, “Relax, he’s just playing with you. He’s conscious and his O2 level is 99%. I’ll kill him for you when he recovers completely.”

Deadpan on the bedpan.

…it’s ok, the battery just needs changing…

The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.

[a man puts a body on the cart]

Large Man with Dead Body: Here’s one.

The Dead Collector: That’ll be ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not dead.

The Dead Collector: What?

Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There’s your ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not dead.

The Dead Collector: ‘Ere, he says he’s not dead.

Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not.

The Dead Collector: He isn’t.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he’s very ill.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m getting better.

Large Man with Dead Body: No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a moment.

I think there are some people here who don’t understand how an EKG monitor works. Cardiac flatline doesn’t mean you’re dead; it means you’re about to be.

In Patch Adams (Robin Williams in the title role), Patch has a chat with a terminal patient Bill Davis(Peter Coyote) and they list the various euphemisms for death

Patch Adams: Death. To die. To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To push up posies. To become extinct. Curtains, deceased, Demised, departed And defunct. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a herring. Dead as a mutton. Dead as nits. The last breath. Paying a debt to nature. The big sleep. God’s way of saying, “Slow down.”

Bill Davis: To check out. Patch Adams: To shuffle off this mortal coil.

Bill Davis: To head for the happy hunting ground.

Patch Adams: To blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

Bill Davis: To find oneself without breath.

Patch Adams: To be the incredible decaying man.

Bill Davis: Worm buffet.

Patch Adams: Kick the bucket.

Bill Davis: Buy the farm.

Patch Adams: Take the cab.

Bill Davis: Cash in your chips.

In Patch Adams (Robin Williams in the title role), Patch has a chat with a terminal patient Bill Davis(Peter Coyote) and they list the various euphemisms for death

Patch Adams: Death. To die. To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To push up posies. To become extinct. Curtains, deceased, Demised, departed And defunct. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a herring. Dead as a mutton. Dead as nits. The last breath. Paying a debt to nature. The big sleep. God’s way of saying, “Slow down.”

Bill Davis: To check out. Patch Adams: To shuffle off this mortal coil.

Bill Davis: To head for the happy hunting ground.

Patch Adams: To blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

Bill Davis: To find oneself without breath.

Patch Adams: To be the incredible decaying man.

Bill Davis: Worm buffet.

Patch Adams: Kick the bucket.

Bill Davis: Buy the farm.

Patch Adams: Take the cab.

Bill Davis: Cash in your chips.

I spent 3 weeks in the cardiology ward once. Hooked me up to machines that went ‘ping!’ First time I went to the bathroom, they almost dragged me out of there and then gave me an ECG because it showed I was in fibrillation.